This was one of the best interviews you could ever wish to conduct. A chance to talk to one of the UK's most exciting acts in the world of hip hop and electronica, towards the close of an exceptionally busy year. There was a Spring tour, new album, numerous festival appearances and now an Autumn tour. But, it is with the deepest regret we inform you that we can't disclose absolutely everything spoken between Dan Le Sac, Scroobius Pip and Room Thirteen backstage at Manchester Academy.
It's just it would take a very long time for you to read, and your little heads may very well explode with some of the conversation's content. Unfortunately, some of Dan's infinite knowledge on the subjects of Nasa's research into the pursuit of 100% blackness, the Brian Friel play, 'Translations', and Hitler's Jazz Album have had to be resigned to the cutting room floor. As have Pip's wistful musings on the subject of their sound man's impressively splendid calves. But we can promise that this interview will still provide a ruddy good read.

R13: Good evening Mr Le Sac, and Mr Pip. It really is most splendid to meet you and thanks for having a chat with us! So, considering the 'vs.' aspect, plus the vast sprawling influences brought to the table by you both, has there been many moments of differences in creative opinion?
Dan: Occasionally there are little differences but nothing worthy of the word 'versus', it's more the mark of the fact it's two separate things, two separate roles, ideas.
Pip: We're both quite comfortable with that. There's never really been any clashes musically. I think it's just 'cos I respect what Dan does, so I don't really get too involved and vice versa. It seems to work. We've had to think it through a lot more than when we just came up with the name... it was just for a media/Myspace page to hold the songs together cos we had our solo pages... it wasn't even really discussed. Dan just suggested it.
D: We actually lost out on quite a good record deal over the 'versus'.
R13: Whaaaat?!
D: Yeah they found the versus confusing.

R13: The 'vs.', along with some of the computer-like sounds we can hear in your music can also remind me a little bit of 'Street Fighter'... who would you be?
P: It's always good to think of Street Fighter though isn't it. Who would you be, Dan?
D: Blanka.
P: Ooh, Blanka! Good choice.
I'd want to go for someone like Ken or Guile or someone cool, but I'd have to go with Zangief cos I've got a massive beard. Then I could have my massive beard and walk around in just red pants. It's me. It's made for me.
D: Ryu was the best. He was amazing.
P: Especially in the special version... the moment when the red-haired guy gets killed...
D: He was legendary. With his big beads. I used to like beating him up because he looked like a surfer.

R13: On stage we have seen you go for the lecture style presentation, the political manifesto approach and 'The Logic of Chance' has gone for some positive mind moulding. You obviously would like to have a word with the good people of Britain. If there were one word to offer Britain, what would it be?
P: A word for Britain?
R13: And to Britain. You're allowed a sentence if you'd prefer...
D: I'm allowed a sentence? Well, it's just a quote of Mohammed Ali. 'Me, we'.
P: Hm, 'Me, we'. Yeah, that's fairly inclusive. I like it. That's a win. I'll just go with 'Grrrrrreat!'
R13: Like Tony the Tiger?
P: Tony the Tiger loves Great Britain.
D: Is he Nestle?
P: No, he's Kellogg's.
D: The Honey Monster's all on his own. He has his own cereal company. Not associated with bloody Nestle or Kellogg's. He's his own man.
P: He runs his own ship so we buy his products.
R13: I think I'd trust him more than Snap, Crackle and Pop.
P: Yeah, they'd be constantly bickering.

R13: You are an act that has certainly made the hip hop genre more accessible to a lot more people. How do you think UK hip hop has evolved during your existence as an act?
D: I don't think we've played a huge part in UK hip hop.
P: We're like the Honey Monster, we're on our own in our own category really. We've done some stuff with other UK acts, but I don't think we were ever particularly embraced by UK hip hop. That's not to say we were ever pushed away or anything...
D: We're like the acceptable face of UK hip hop for indie kids.
P: Yeah! We're like Jurassic 5 or... Cypress Hill!

R13: You're not afraid to explore the darker side of humanity in your music. In a world full of cynical pop guff, how important do you think it is to keep things more, for want of a better word, 'real'?
P: It's important to me because it makes it interesting for me and that's what excites me when I'm writing. It wouldn't have as much impact if everything was like that. If it wasn't for all the pop guff...you wouldn't be saying 'well that song's quite dark', and if they were all like that, it'd be the norm.
D: And, there's a point to be said for if you're living hand to mouth, maybe in a relationship where you're not happy... not gonna like, die, but not happy, the first bit of music you want to hear might not be someone going 'OH! The world is bad! You're all gonna die! This man stabbed this man...!' You know, you might wanna hear, (in a beautifully dry half-sung fashion) 'Fight, fight, fight. Fight for this love.' There is something sedative about pop.
P: It's got it's uses. Maybe on a night out, in a nightclub. Having a dance. You wouldn't want to hear, 'Here's one about... murder'.

R13: Absolutely loved 'Poetry in (E)motion', Pip. It worked spectacularly well as a concept. How was it having talented strangers basically drawing from the inside of your head?
P: Yeah, it felt really odd. The first time it kind of hit me how amazing it was was when I had one guy who was in America and he was doing '1000 Words', and he was sending the pencil sketches. I got a few pages through and I showed a mate of mine and was said 'Ah! That's Stanford!' I live in Stanford-Le-Hope in Essex and the guy had drawn it... part of it was the monument in Stanford-Le-Hope and this road which I've lived near my whole life. This guy's never been to Essex, England or Stanford but he'd gone to the trouble of going on Google Maps and Streetview and drawing an accurate depiction of somewhere where I grew up, which was just, wow. I was already impressed because with that one in particular the artwork was amazing, but then to see that extra level as well was fantastic.

R13: Poetry takes a lot of balls as scribblings go. Are there still any nerves to such exposure these days?
P: No, not really. It's the only thing, particularly with touring, that you look forward to. The rest is just sitting around, waiting, killing time. The little bit of time you get to be on stage and doing the thing that you've worked towards is the good part. It's enjoyable really. If you've written something and you're pleased with it, it shouldn't have to take too much balls to want to share it. If you've written it with the mind to share it then it makes sense to get up there and say 'Hello! Look! I wrote this! What d'you think?' It's alright if it's not good, you'd then just stop doing that.

R13: Is it a quiet day at the office when you get writer's block?
D: Well writer's block doesn't strictly exist. It's just a question of your own faith in your own ability. The first time I ever thought I had writer's block was because it was the first thing I was trying to write after 'Thou Shalt', and 'Thou Shalt' had a certain amount of support and it did really well so then I was just questioning the quality of what I was doing. But then I thought, well why am I questioning it? Would I be if 'Thou Shalt' hadn't existed? I think most of the time it is just you thinking, 'well that's not good enough.' Just write it! Just do it, and if it's not good enough then you don't have to show anyone!
P: It doesn't exist. It's fake. It's a good excuse to watch TV, play Xbox, go watch some films. That's all writer's block is. I've had writer's block loads of times, I've completed loads of Xbox games because I've got 'writer's block'. It's more just, nah, I want to play some Xbox. You can only get writer's block if you're not just writing because you enjoy yourself. If you're writing for a specific meaning or goal you can put these walls up and block it. If you just think, 'I fancy writing', then there's nothing to block you. No matter what you write, or how you write, it's just writing.

R13: What question are you sick of hearing in interviews?
P: There's this one about writer's block... nah, not really!
D: This tour it's been very much, 'So, does the music come first or the lyrics come first?' We just think, well, we've written a lot of songs. It's all different. Just over and over and over again, the same question!
P: It's tough because some people might not just do any research.
D: Just type into Google!
P: And it's more visible to us because we're doing it constantly. It can be annoying.
D: 'Where did you get your names from?' Just Google!! We're not U2, I know. I know we've not had biographies written about us, but Google is really, really intelligently written.

R13: You have walked in the footsteps of Leslie Nielson and created a cracking spoof minifilm poking fun at The X Factor on youtube.
P: We could do a spoof of the whole of 'Airplane!' on youtube and then just at the end say, 'buy our single'.
R13: Please do! But in regards to The X Factor, do you think there is any good to come from shows like that?
D: It contributes loads and loads of money into the industry that can funds venues like {Manchester Academy}, that funds all sorts of record labels and PR and press for music. It collects lots of money for lots of bands. Without it, there's a big hole and a cash flow problem in the music industry anyway and you need the crap. The artists from that get so screwed over by their contracts. So much more money as a percentage goes back into the industry from these helpless saps that do it, and it's everyone else who benefits from it. I know that we then have to tolerate it and it cheapens music and so on, but it only cheapens music if you let it. There are artists still writing honourable, independent, great records. Just let Cowell have his fun and buy his Lamborghini's and his birthday parties with dwarves.
P: It's provided a lot of entertainment for a lot of people, and that's fine. It's just people like to get stressed over stuff. If you're not into it, don't watch it. If you are into it, watch it and enjoy it but be aware that it's not about music. It's about entertainment. It's not actually to do with the music industry and the songs that come out are not about the individual artists that can get to Number One at Christmas, it's 'The X Factor Number One'. It's alright. There's been some good performances. That Leona Lewis has put on some good performances and I quite like that Danyl lad that was from Reading. Well, you know, there are other channels.
D: Or you could watch it twice if you wanted to with all the other channels.

R13: You're playing in Manchester tonight, a city which is apparently full of beard lovers as there is a 'Beards of Manchester' calendar out this year.
P: Oh really? I didn't know that. That's excellent news. It's about time.
R13: Which month's 'Mr' would you be?
P: Mr August. Just because it's when my birthday is. I'd quite like to be a Mr November or Mr December and be in a big coat and a scarf.
R13: East 17 style?
P: Yeah, it's a good style.
D: I'd be Mr Easter, I'll be a special one. And I'd want a little picture...
R13: Dressed as a bunny?!
D: No... eating. Eggs!

R13: To the topic of your homeland, Essex. In the red corner we have the garish stereotypes, the white stilleto heels and 'drama series', 'The Only Way is Essex'. Fight back for the blue corner, won't you?
P: I dunno, I'd say... it's alright? It's just another place in England.
D: We travel around this country all the time and you'll see tarts and idiots everywhere. You'll see more flesh on the streets in the bigger cities than you'd ever see in Essex. That 'Only Way is Essex' is just like two small towns, quite close to London, not really the more affluent parts of Essex. Essex has the same problems as everywhere else. It's pretty standard. Some stuff sticks, and some stuff doesn't. Maybe an Essex girl sits a joke better than someone else. It's got 'sex' in it to start.

R13: Thankyou so much for talking to us, it has been an absolute pleasure. As a closing point, would you care to remind us why we all shalt go get our paws on 'Cauliflower'?
P: May as well, eh?
D: Ohhh, why we all 'shalt', I thought you said 'shout'. I was thinking, who shouts this?? Then he started answering quite normally...
P: Yes, everyone is always shouting 'let's all go get our paws on Cauliflower' aren't they. The amount of nights out I've had out where they're all going 'LETS ALL GO GET OUR PAWS ON CAULIFLOWER!!!!' and I think, oh, there's another one. But yeah, just do it. Or don't bother if you don't want, it's on the record. You've probably got the album. There's some good remixes.
D: It's nice, the 7" is yellow, it's a nice yellow plastic, Does It Offend You, Yeah? are on the back of it, they did a remix.
P: Yeah so, do it if you want. If you don't it's cool. Just...enjoy your evening. Come to a live show? But even with that, we're not going to be touring much after this because we're taking some time off. So, just enjoy yourselves! We're not going to try and sell anything really today. Just go and listen to other people. (Looks over to Dan who is playing with a ball and cup) Just go out and get a ball and cup! This is how rock n' roll we are. Some bands tour with an Xbox and Playstation and all that, we've got a ball and cup.

Thankyou to both Dan and Pip for taking the time out from their ball and cup to speak to us. Regardless of what they say, you really should get your paws on 'Cauliflower'. By all means, shout it out loud if you wanted to. And, as a festive tip, maybe think about 'The Logic of Chance' and how perfect a CD is to fit inside a Christmas Stocking? Just saying.