Let’s face it; Valentine’s Day is rubbish, fact!
On a very simple level there can be no excuse for the heaps of crappy love song albums that come out at this time of year, and who really thinks it’s a statement of true love to present somebody with a CD featuring Savage Garden, James Blunt and Boyzone. If someone gave you one of those you’d dump them, right?
But the very concept of Valentine’s Day is crackers. Once upon a time it was decided that February 14 was statement of intent day. Girls have fallen for this money spinning exercise far more than blokes, the words hook, line and sinker spring to mind, and if blokes so much as fail to pay over the odds in a card or flower shop then they may as well sleep in the garden until March!
Aside from birthdays and anniversaries, assuming you can remember the latter, every day should be considered as equals for being “statement of intent day”, Feb 14 is no more important in the cold light of day than June 6, October 15 or November 27. However restaurants are full of suckers paying more for a meal than they would the previous week, and the following morning work places up and down the land will have at least one smug, again girl, showing off how well treated they were, with jealousy kicking in at the other end of the room.
This item is far from being an anti love rant, more a laugh at the expense of those soppy fuckers lost in their own world where the soundtrack is most likely provided by blokes that sing like girls, rock bands selling their soul by way of painful ballads or, worse still, R n’ B!
Here at Room Thirteen we’d like to offer up an alternative playlist, in this ‘Through the Earhole’ anti Valentine special.
There’s the obvious
Bullet For My Valentine ‘Scream, Aim, Fire!’ the second album title track from the band whose name is the natural starting point for this collection of the least romantic songs we could find. This though is merely scratching the surface!
Ugly Kid Joe ‘I Hate Everything About You’
Another obvious one, remember this classic from back in the dark ages when the year began with a 199? Ugly Kid Joe were huge for about a year, this track is taken from ‘America’s Least Wanted’. The band split in 1997, with the only notable member success coming with drummer Shannon Larkin playing in Godsmack.
Prodigy ‘Smack My Bitch Up’
Considered one of the most controversial songs of all time due to its title, the video won Best Dance Video at the MTV Awards, and is regularly voted most shocking of all time. It depicts a night out in the city from a first-person perspective, portraying drinking and driving, snorting cocaine, fighting, vandalism and sex, sounds way more fun than a Rom Com at the cinema followed by an over priced meal. The twist comes at the end where the character looks into a mirror and is revealed to be a woman.
Rage Against the Machine ‘Killing in the Name Of’
Plenty of aggression going on in this classic. There’s many other options we could have gone with but, with the band rumoured to be returning to the UK later this summer, arguably their most famous track will do nicely. Anyone who has been nagged until their ears bleed will appreciate the line “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me!”
Iron Maiden ‘22 Acacia Avenue, Charlotte the Harlot’
What can be more romantic than not one, but two songs about a whore? This two parter features first on ‘Iron Maiden’, and then on ‘Number of the Beast’ where we get her continuing story told in the song ’22 Acacia Avenue’. From the latter “If you're feeling down depressed and lonely, I know a place where we can go, 22 Acacia Avenue, meet a lady that I know”.
Lostprophets ‘Can't Stop, Gotta date with hate’
This track from 2008 Download headliners was picked as much for the title as anything else. Find it on the last Lostprophets album ‘Liberation Transmission’.
Delgados ‘All You Need Is Hate’
Wouldn’t it be great if shops sold cards that had these lyrics printed on them. “Hate is all around, find it in your heart in every waking sound. On your way to school, work or church you’ll find that it’s the only rule. Build a different world, hate will help you find what you’ve been looking for. Hate is everywhere, inside your mother’s heart and you will find it there. You ask me what you need, hate is all you need.” Delgados are of course one of the best bands to come out of Scotland and this is up there with their very best.
The Kills ‘I Hate The Way You Love’
This simple, blunt and to the point number can be found on The Kills 2005 album ‘No Wow’.
Oasis ‘Married With Children’
Included for such lyrics as “You don’t even have to say your sorry, goodbye I’m going home” and “your music’s shite it keeps me up all night”. As much about the children as the married bit, but a loving sentiment nonetheless.
Chas and Dave ‘Rabbit’
A song that talks about the beauty of somebody being far outweighed by the fact they simply won’t shut up! “coz you wont stop talking, why don’t you give it a rest?, you got more rabbit than sainsburys, its time you got it off your chest.” And who can fail to be amused by these words from the end of the track, “yup yup rabbit yup yup yup rabbit rabbit bunny jabber yup rabbit bunny yup yup yup rabbit bunny jabber yup yup yup rabbit bunny jabber yup yup bunny jabber”.
Manic Street Preachers ‘Slash n’ Burn’
From back in the day when the Manics were all about attitude and aggression. Included on the excellent ‘Generation Terrorists’ album, the songs title takes its inspiration from US Army policy during the Vietnam War.
Guns N’ Roses ‘I Used To Love Her, But I Had To Kill Her’
The lyrics go a little something like this: “I used to love her, but I had to kill her. I had to put her, six feet under, but I can still hear her complain” • nice! This track can be found on the album ‘GN’R Lies’ with the above link showing you a live performance from late night US TV in 1988. If nothing else, it’s a reminder of how great this band once was.
Exodus ‘Sealed With A Fist’
A relationship comes to a sudden end due to a shooting, not least as the husband was, as they say in the East End, “Brown bread”. This line is rather tasty, "your wedding chamber's the one the bullet's in".
Kelis ‘Caught Out There’
Sure the signature lyric of “I hate, you so much right now” prompted this to go on the list, but this breakthrough hit from Kelis starts at the point of Valentine’s Day, where a cheating bloke is using Feb 14 as a time to lie through his teeth, to buy himself a few brownie points with the girlfriend while he goes and gets laid else where. The fact is, this is happening at this very moment, could it be to you? (adopt slow and haunting voice) We’re, trying, to mess with your head, we’re, trying, to mess with your head, we’re, trying, to mess with your head.
Megadeth ‘1000 Times Goodbye’
And by way of gender equality, here’s one about being pissed about by the female of the species.
Black Label Society ‘13 Years of Grief’
Blow any lingering air of slushiness away with a metal song about ending up in prison for acts of violence against your own family.
Slayer ‘Mandatory Suicide’
There’s so many options from Slayer, ‘Angel of Death’, ‘Raining Blood’, ‘Here Comes The Pain’ and, picking up on the Kelis theme, ‘Read Between The Lies’. Just because it’s a biggy, and a belter too, ‘South Of Heaven’ track ‘Mandatory Suicide’.
Lastly, here’s one that’s title sums the whole thing up. St. Valentine, or the marketing directors of companies that encourage you to “buy more and get this free Valentine’s gift”, are the ‘master’ controlling the rest of you like little ‘puppets’.
Metallica ‘Master of Puppets’
“Obey your master, master, master of puppets!”
A few more titles that amused us:
Alestorm - ‘Nancy The Tavern Wench’
Annihilator - ‘Criteria for a black widow’
Smog - ‘Dress Sexy At My Funeral’
Green Day • ‘Fuck Off and Die’
The Paper Chase - 'One Day He Went Out For Milk And Never Came Home’
Anti Nowhere League - 'I Hate People'