Always pass scissors handle forwards...unless you WANT to stab the git in the wrist...
Being an off-and-on lefty myself (I won't bore you with the details), I have far too often experienced the heady predicament of sourcing left-handed fountain pens, left-handed corkscrews and left-handed can-openers from a multitude of mainstream retailers. And, like many, I've frequently lost my patience when procurement of these essential appliances proves impossible.
It's also true that on many an occasion, I've stumbled into the kitchen at 4:30 in the morning with an insatiable hunger and unquenchable thirst, and (thanks to the absence of suitable household utensils) have been forced to stab tuna cans open with a meat cleaver and smash the necks of Blue Nun bottles against the window sill - and then filter the liquid through a tea strainer.
The morning after is equally hideous. After waking up on a sofa that I've somehow managed to soak with vinegar, and realising in horror that I've decimated the communal cooking area, I then suffer further ignominy though my ridiculous attempts to write a letter of apology without smudging each line and making the document appear as if it was written by a seven year old alcoholic with Parkinson's.
So when I heard that I'd be reviewing the new single from Scissors For Lefty, my consciousness was smacked by a wave of weary malaise and disappointment. I mean think about it. The band is called Scissors For Lefty. The single is called 'Ghetto Ways'. I didn't think there was a chance that this could be anything but a disheartening, despondent and distressing song. I mean what are the chances of finding a pair of left-handed scissors in the ghetto?
Thankfully I recovered my senses and realised that I was being stupid. After thrashing myself fifty times with a squirrel-tail whip as punishment, I engaged my rational brain and set about actually listening to the record. And it's a belter.
Currently residing in San Francisco, Scissors For Lefty cites Ladytron, Pavement, Gang of Four and Kenny Loggins in the now customary www.myspace.com list of influences. Sounds bizarre? Well, strange as it may seem, they're not wrong.
A perky, jerky melange of electropop beats, retro-synths, fat guitars and deflated Bowie-esque vocoded vocals, 'Ghetto Ways' is perfect dance floor filler - with a killer bass line. A melodic theme and even a soupcon of menace permeate throughout, while the closing chorus breaks into a shuddering wall-of-sound tapestry of art-skool-pop-punk cattiness.
Along with The Modern, the existence of Scissors For Lefty is proof that the more mainstream and user-friendly avenues of retro-electropop (perhaps retro-pop would be more appropriate) remain resolutely open for business. It's a great summer record and highly recommended.
I'm off to sharpen my meat cleaver, as I quite fancy a corned beef and HP sandwich. Unfortunately I got pissed last night and mangled the can key when I tried to break open the kitchen door to go for a fag. Oh, and where's my pen gone?