Slap away you idiots...
Any EP (well, it's a teaser for the album - what the industry calls a "sampler" - and an indication to me that the label is either rather embarrassed or very thrifty) that opens with a track that sounds like the Batfink theme tune is intriguing and worthy of investigation. And so, with my musical prick teased and my intellectual nipples stiffened, (and as I'm a conscientious fellow), I investigated...
I listened attentively to the EP, one song at a time, (as you'd expect) scrutinising, deliberating, analysing - meditating even. I took notes, took breaks, refrained from drinking, pondered, considered and very, very, carefully came to an informed conclusion. And as I'm so pleased that I took such a professional and studious approach to reviewing this record, I'll deliver my opinion in a new paragraph - just to give it the prominence it deserves...
This four-track sampler by Tenderhooks is a piece of shit.
To be blunt, it's an electro-pop-freak's nightmare. While it's obvious that Markus Leinweber and Mike Wilton (the dull sparks behind Tenderhooks) are huge fans of Gorrilaz, they lack the wit, the subtlety and crucially, the tunes - and although imitation is widely regarded as the highest form of praise, that's no reason to ape that band's sound so comprehensively - and so sloppily.
'Slap Happy' is a song intended to comment on the socio-political upsurge in said activity. But with lyrical stupidities such as rhyming "slap happy" with "cheeky chappy" and twittering on and on about pissed up birds with charlie-laden handbags, it's about as likely to swing social opinion as Bonio - sorry Bono - leading U2 into the studio proclaiming that he's got a cache of great material to record that afternoon. You haven't...you never have and you never will. Now take those fucking sunglasses off and shut your cakehole.
'Tied On A String" is just as awful; the bassline appears to have been recorded on a Casio keyboard; the intro sounds like the results of Kula Shaker making an electro-pop album and the entire track when listened back (as if that's gonna happen), only reinforces the view that it wouldn't have made it onto a 2 Unlimited album.
'Eco Warrior' fuses ridiculous Muse-style lyrics (something about little aliens visiting the planet and the rock star status of an eco warrior) with another fatuous slice of boring, meandering keyboard effects. It's unlistenable and it doesn't even qualify for an it's-so-bad-it's-good accolade...it's just bad. Closer 'It Don't Get Any Easier' only proves that 'It Don't Get Any Better'...
Tenderhooks are marketed as fusers of "post-punk, classic rock and Pink Floyd style ambience". Don't believe a word of it. They're not tender and they ain't got any hooks. However, one thing they do have is balls. It takes guts to release a record of such unbelievable banality, incoherence and incompetence.
Hang on...maybe I'm thinking of stupidity...