The Kentish Town Forum - 21/04/2008
I apologise for the length of this article. If you want a cogent review of The Long Blondes at Kentish Town Forum 21/04/2008, I suggest you snuffle for truffles elsewhere...
Right let's start with a confession: I left the gig early - and bear in mind that I've not left anything early since the abhorrent 'Batman & Robin' movie came out. Jeez, I've not even left the pub early...
Christ, I can hear your gasps of surprise and mutterings of dissent from here.
"You what?", I hear you cry; "You left early? Are you insane? Why? What happened? What HAPPENED? Did you have to rescue your collection of Journey B-sides from those nefarious South-London-based arena rock thieves? It WAS an emergency, wasn't it? I've got it: someone died, didn't they? Gosh I'm so very sorry - are you okay?"
Hold the fuck up will you? Give me a chance to explain...in my own way, in my own time and in my own shoes...
For a start, let's get one thing out of the way: I am a charitable guy. I am. Honestly. I buy a poppy every year; I have a fair few of those Cancer Awareness pins that always end up going straight into my thumb when I try to attach it to my jumper and I regularly give spare change to tramps who say they're going to use it to buy a cup of tea but are really going to use it to buy smack. I'm happy with myself. I do good things sometimes.
However, I did get annoyed when I turned up to The Forum, got checked off the list and was then told, TOLD I tell you, that I had to contribute £2.50 to charity. No quibbles. No excuses. No chance to spend it on a couple of Wham! bars instead. Yep - they'd waive the £15 ticket in exchange for £2.50. Why?! I mean, surely this is MY decision to make?! If I want to forgo a poncy frothy coffee and give the cash to people who need proper taps and stuff, surely it's up to me and NOT you? Are we now living in a land of forced penance, generosity and attrition? Tsssk.
Of course it goes without saying (though I'm gonna say it anyway) that I really couldn't argue with the cashier because I would have looked like a right heartless bastard, so I stumped up the change, gave her one of my withering looks (she yawned in reply) and headed into the pit for riffs, chicks and beer.
Skating over the lamentable support band xx Teens who seem to be heavily influenced by Alan Silvestri's steel-drum heavy soundtrack for the movie 'Commando' (yep - you know the one - the one that has Arnie dropping a guy off a cliff, rowing a boat in his pants, shooting lots and lots of bad middle-eastern people and having a brawl with the evil biker out of 'Weird Science'), the night got worse when it turned out that The Long Blondes were a bit of a disappointment too.
If you've never been to The Forum, let me tell you that it's pretty big; not massive but you could easily squeeze six Americans in there and still have room for a couple of darts players after a trip to an "all you can eat" buffet. It was too big a place for The Long Blondes.
Either it's been a long tour or they were overwhelmed by the venue but something was seriously wrong. They practically dribbled on stage with little more than a whimper. They had the sonic impact of a fruit fly vomiting onto a pebble at a Hells Angels convention. And they had the visual intensity of a banana. Yep, it was a disappointment.
It goes without saying that The Long Blondes are touring on the back of their recently released sophomore album 'Couples'; an album which pretty much divided the critics. And this being the case, shouldn't they have gone hell-for-fuckin'-leather? Shouldn’t they have been chomping at the bit to prove the naysayers (me included - I mean I thought 'Couples' sounds like a Ladytron or Dragonette album without the hooks) wrong? Did they step up to the plate? Did they scream "Fuck you guys - you got it wrong. It's a fuckin' great album. And y'know what? We're gonna fuckin' prove it...tonight! Yeah - tonight we're gonna rock you tonight!". Did they? Did they? Did they balls.
Here's a tip for Kate Jackson: wiggling your arse around provocatively and shouting "we're so excited to play the Forum" is frankly ridiculous when you, and indeed the rest of the band look and sound like you'd be happier cleaning out a rancid, rat-infested skip using nothing but your toothbrush, a half-empty can of Mr Sheen and your tongue. I looked more excited the last time I de-scaled the kettle.
Usually the sound at The Forum is pretty good (as opposed to The Scala which usually sounds fucking rubbish) but tonight proved to be the exception. I mean I'm all for upholding the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 but hiring someone who is stone deaf or insane enough to pour jam in his/her ears on an hourly basis for the vacant sound engineer position seems a step in the wrong direction to me. Jackson's vocals were as muddy as a very muddy thing covered with mud and dreaming of mud whilst listening to Mud; the synths were virtually unintelligible; the drums sounded like timpani and...and....and....oh I give up. It just sounded terrible. They sounded like Juliette & The Licks via a really pissed Siouxsie Sioux...ow!
'Here Comes The Serious Bit' was flat; 'Separated by Motorways' (possibly my favourite Long Blondes track) was drab; 'Round The Hairpin' was listless; I mean it went on and on and on...
And that's when I made the decision. I left. I mean, I know some of you will think it very unprofessional and I concede that I did feel twangs of guilt in the morning, but then I looked at it another way...
The Long Blondes were there to put on a show. They didn't. I mean there's a chance things got twelve million percent better after I left and the gig'll go down in history as rivalling The Who at Leeds or Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of White or Fleetwood Mac at Boston Tea Party but I seriously doubt it. And even if it does, I'll stick by my decision.
Music comes from the heart of the writer/performer y'all and that's also where it hits the listener/watcher. It smacks you oops-up-side-ya-head; spins you round like a record baby; touches you somewhere deep inside (alright - throwing in Billie Piper lyrics might be considered a step too far even for me); it's emotional, illogical and irrational. With regard to The Long Blondes, I really liked that first fuckin' album man, and to hear them playin' so bad, I just couldn't take it anymore - I'm sorry - I just had to get outta there.
So there you go: I left early. I hope I never have to do it again. It's all or nothin' folks...if only The Long Blondes agreed with me...