the moon doth shine, the wolf doth howl, this band doth suck
There are some things that Germans patently aren’t any good at; football and wars for example, but there are three things that they do better than almost anybody else on the planet: luxury cars, sausage, and cheesy black metal.
As if the band name wasn’t enough of a clue, a quick glance down the track listing will confirm that Stormwitch are firmly in the latter category (so they’re not sausage then?) – just try these on for size: ‘Moonfleet’, ‘The Kiss Of Death’, ‘Fallen From God’ and ‘Blood Lies In My Hand’. I can almost smell the make-up and leather. As for what regrettable sources might influence music like this, all the mandatory subjects are covered; vampires (spelt vampyres probably), witches, full moons and other assorted dark religious imagery. They even refer to their songs as ‘hymns’ – now I remember why I don’t go to church.
‘The Sinister Child’ opens the album with perhaps the best line in the history of rock: “In those days of the Roman Emperors” (!), before going on to explain that in Bethlehem “while they were there, a child was born” – it’s informative as well as entertaining. The title track almost sounds like an alternative counselling session, with vocalist Andy Mück (tee-hee) promising that “with witchcraft, you can change your world”. Then again, I’m not sure how reputable the vocalist’s opinion is, as he dashes any credibility by preceding the advice with some rubbish about wizards and rune stones.
As is par for the course with bands such as these, Stormwitch have been around for almost as long as the subjects of their songs, having released their ‘classic’ debut ‘Walpurgis Night’ way back in the early eighties. On this evidence it doesn’t really sound like their music has progressed much over the last twenty years, but I suppose that if it ain’t broke… However, this is dated to the extent that it is now broke, so perhaps some ‘fixing’ would’ve been a good idea. Getting rid of the dreadful synths would certainly be a good start. The cringe-worthy lyrics would be my next port of call.
Their fans fanatically declare them as the “Masters Of Black Romantic” and whilst this may be true, it doesn’t detract from the fact that they suck the big one. If you’re a fan of Iron Maiden and other big haired power-shredders, then this may well be your thing, but I personally think that bands like this put the shit in the eIgHTieS.
So after listening to ‘Witchcraft’ I did what any decent god-fearing citizen would do in this situation – I threw my CD in the bath to see if it floated. It didn’t. Shame.